Yup, because fuck you, thats why.
So hello people!
According to my title, I'm going to blog about my story. For those of you who has a burning desire to find out about what happened in my beautiful, glamorous and wonderful life, you've come to the right place. NOT. Haha some of you might not even give a shit to what has happened but I am here to share anyways.
The purpose of this is not to share about what exactly has happened but some of the things that I have learnt during this few weeks and my feelings about it accordingly.This is not to make myself seem like I am the victim of what has happened or make anyone else (you know who) seem like the culprit. Because all that has happened is based solely on my decisions and no one, I mean no one forced me to make these decisions. I am not afraid to share and I will have this difficult conversation to each and every one of you who is reading my blog entry.
I claimed once again that anything and everything that has happened is based solely on my own decisions, my own feelings and no one else is to blame. I make this decisions and I will take responsibility for it and no, I do not regret the decisions that I have made.
Okay so here goes, the first step of recovery is to step out of my very own closet. (What closet you say? Watch this and you'll know: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kSR4xuU07sc )
For the past 1 year that I'm in a relationship, committing, giving and loving, I actually don't see what the hell is wrong in it because in my eyes, I believe that it is perfect. It is all that I've ever been dreaming about. Yeah sure, we would have gone through shit like any other couples but apart from the quarrels, misunderstanding and etc, I actually got to experience what is it like to be loved. We did so many wonderful things together, going to the zoo, going to USS, going to adventure cove, working together to simple things like staying at home all day doing nothing, lepak at shopping malls, lying all day in bed playing PSP together.
Yeah there are the good memories but I trade in myself for all this. I trade in who I was in the process of giving. Now, you see, every couple give and take. You give each other love, appreciate each other etc, and in return, you receive all those elements as well. I'm not trying to go all love guru because I believe I would make a terrible love guru. (Look at how my r/s turned out and you'll know ;]) So yeah, I lost myself in the process of giving. The Tan Shu Wen you guys see now isn't the Tan Shu Wen you guys saw about a year and a half ago.
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LAST YEAR,
I believe anyone who knows me knows that I have a strong desire to be a Cardiac Surgeon/ Neurosurgeon (or basically, a doctor). I'm sure my secondary school classmates know that I am very motivated and am really crazy when it comes to dreams. When it comes to studying, nothing and I mean nothing can ever affect me. I am that motivated and getting into Biomedical science was all that I've ever thought about.
Yeah sure, being in a relationship while juggling with o's is the shittest thing yet. But we've got through it, like literally got through it. Yeah sure we quarreled during o's, but not even the quarrels could make me lose concentration nor make me lose my mood for studying. The person I am last year literally scares me now O.O . I don't know how I do it but I did it.
NOW, CURRENTLY.
Well apparently, after o's, when both of us have more time to spend with each other, everything changed. And again, I blame no one but myself. I guess it is an adverse effect of spending TOO MUCH time with another party. I mean it is not wrong but I should have at least controlled myself. So yeah, back to the story. Because we have spent so much time together, whenever when I'm not with him, I am literally miserable. LITERALLY, no joke. I felt like I had no other purpose to live. I was living because of him. I threw myself away for love, my own stupidity.
Yeah as you guys may know, I am in SP Biomedical Science (Yipee my dream came through because I was that hardcore crazy idiot who studied really hard last year). Like come on, you kidding me? I got into my dream course and I am literally one step closer to becoming a doctor. No purpose to live ehh? YEAH EXACTLY. I lost all of my motivation, I lost the desire to become a doctor, I lost MYSELF.
I made plans according to him, I no longer made plans because of myself. I made plans with "Will I have time to spend with him? " instead of " Do I have time for myself?". That is how unhealthy I was, in terms of emotions. Again, I made all of this decisions myself and no one else is to blame except me. I was studying no longer with "I want to be a doctor" in mind. Instead, "I want to spend time with him" was in my mind. I want to quickly finish studying so that I'd have time to spend with him.
Days that wasn't spent with him made me really miserable. I get through the first 2 weeks of poly, living with nothing in mind except plans to meet up with him. I get by with "I study for 2 days and I can meet him on the 3rd. Just get through this 2 days and I can finally meet him". Any idiot can see how I am drowning myself in love and living not because of me, but because of him.
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I made all these decisions myself, I threw myself out for love. I am to blame for everything, not anyone else. I was dumb and stupid. Yeah sure our relationship failed because of other factors too, but this isn't about our failed relationship, it is about how I threw myself out for love and get nothing in return.
I always live by this saying "In order to gain something, you have to first lose something". Because I was immature (I still am okay), I gained love and for that, I lost myself. I didn't know how to find a balance and that is what happened. So now, apply the saying on myself again. "In order to gain myself back, I have to first lose this relationship". So I lost the person I love the most, it is not only because of other factors but also because I have to gain myself.
Maybe god feels that it is time I learn how to love myself first before I can love others. Maybe it is time for me to grow up first before I can make any other decisions. Maybe it is time for me to learn how to take care of myself first before taking care of others. Maybe it is time I learn to let go and find someone who really knows how to appreciate me for who I am.
So our relationship ended. It has been three weeks now and this 3 weeks have been really tough. I am not going to lie but I still do break. I still break down at times, thinking why didn't things work out. Or sometimes memories just start replaying in my mind and I just.. break. It isn't easy because it has been a year, how easy is it to forget? I do fall down at times. I do think about the past but who doesn't? Sometimes I just tweet about useless stuff, as though my tweets can change anything. Yeah I do talk about the past, yeah I do miss the past. But what is over is over. Its time to move on. Again, easier said than done.
I am learning how to pick myself up again. I am getting myself back. Sure I want to be who I was 1 year ago but I want to be even stronger. I am building myself up again and at the same time, I am trying to get over the past. I am starting afresh. I want my life to be focused on myself and not anyone else. I will never ever be that weak and flimsy girl who I was before.
I mean, come on. My family and friends have been really supportive and really really patient towards me. All of their support means a lot to me and I can't disappoint them, I can't disappoint myself either. I know that all this "I will be stronger" crap has been going on for awhile. Yeah I know I will have to be stronger but the process is so damm difficult that sometimes, its just so hard to breathe. Putting down everything and moving on isn't as easy as it seems. But I'll have to do it, no matter how it is yeah?
Everything is lost but the memories stays. The good memories are the ones that I'll keep and the bad memories are the ones that I'll forget. The anger, sadness, hurt will all soon be washed away. However the scars remains. Time will heal, yes, but scars will forever remain. Scars are there not to make your life seem ugly, but they are there to remind you of the things that you've been through. So that you would never ever go down the same path and get another scar for the same reason.
I hope that through my story, people can start thinking about their life. Relate me to yourself, is your relationship like mine? Are you behaving like me? Not only people in relationship can experience things like me. Are you living for someone else and not for youself? If you are, it is time to start thinking and start doing something about your life. I hope that through my story, people who are reading would not make the same mistakes that I've did.
Love yourself, protect yourself and never give up yourself for anyone or anything. My sister once told me this, "you have to love yourself first before anyone else can love you". It is true. How can anyone else love you if you cease to love yourself first? Don't be afraid to be yourself. Don't be afraid that no one will love you because some time or another, someone would gladly accept you for who you are.
And again, I am in no position to give any advises because I myself can't take care of myself, how can I possibly take care of anyone else? All I can do is to share my story so that people can learn from it. Maybe you have to experience it for yourself before you'll learn but, well you know how I ended up. So yeah, be smart about it.
So yup! This is my story. For you morons out there who really are that insensitive to keep asking me about what happened, this is what happened. Sorry to disappoint if all you suckers only wants to know the reason why we break up, are there any third party etc. This is all I have to say and it is about me. So HAH. Go fuck yourselves really. HAHAHA.
I AM NOT AFRAID TO ADMIT THAT I WAS A LOSER IN LOVE. I AM NOT AFRAID TO ADMIT THAT ALL OF THESE HAS HAPPENED. I AM NOT AFRAID TO ADMIT THAT ALTHOUGH I AM QUITE SMART (COUGHS), I AM AN IDIOT IN LOVE AND THAT MY STUPIDITY IS WAY BEYOND HOPE. BUT I'M LEARNING OKAY. PFFT.
I am embracing the decisions I have made and no, I didn't regret any of it because I have come to realized how immature I was. I have come to realized that the world isn't as simple as I think it is. I have come to realized that all the shitty relationship things that I have experienced before is nothing as compared to this shitty thing that I'm experiencing now. And I am glad that I am experiencing all this now before it is too late. I would rather experience it now than later. And lastly, I have come to realized about how my relationship isn't all that fantastic. It was greatly flawed and we choose to run away from these flaws rather than embracing it and accepting it.
Both of us weren't ready. I wasn't ready because I wasn't myself anymore, he wasn't ready because.. well I'm pretty sure he knows why. I shall not comment. Haha.
So yeah, that is all I have to say. And if anymore of those loser questions on my ask fm about what happened even after you've read this, 3 words for you really. Go.Fuck.Yourself.
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Some advises for people if you want to take it. :P
1. If you don't have the courage to commit or to take responsibility, please don't ever get into a relationship.
I am serious because long-term relationship requites a lot of commitment and responsibility. It isn't gonna be about the fun or about the fluttering feeling you get in your stomach at the start of the relationship. It would all be about providing emotional support, making each other feel appreciated and loved. It is about accepting each other, through the good and the bad. Accepting each others flaws and imperfections. If you are just looking for fun fun and more fun, if you are unwilling to go through the bad times and only wants the good time, don't get into a relationship It.will.not.work.out.
2. You can give, but do not ever lose yourself in the process.
Yes, my whole entry is about me losing myself so.. hehe. And then again, if you were to lose yourself, then don't blame anyone but yourself. You make your own decisions so you better be prepared to take responsibility for any outcome.
3. Appreciate the people around you.
Now you see this everywhere. Literally everywhere, twitter facebook instagram, EVERYWHERE. Appreciate before it is too late. I'm pretty sure that there is confirm plus chop one thing that happened in your life that you've lost because you didn't appreciate it. For example, to make things simple. Let's say you don't appreciate a friend that you have. You take that person for granted, take it that that person would ALWAYS be there for you. Now, people do get tired too. If you don't know how to appreciate him/her, then god will take that person away from you. If you don't want to appreciate him/her, others will. So don't blame anyone else but yourself if you lost the person you cherish the most when you didn't appreciate him/her. And I do mean appreciate people for the little little things that they do. NEVER stop showing appreciation.
4. You are NEVER alone
I learnt this through this experience. When I lost him, I thought that I had no one. But I was wrong. I was really really wrong. I was so blinded by love that I thought that I had no one else except him because I didn't let anyone else in during the time I was with him. I filtered everyone else out and only made time for him. Again, this are all of my decisions and no one forced me to do it. I MADE THIS CHOICES OKAY. If you open your big eyes and look around, you'll realized that you are never alone. I'm serious. Even the people who you least expected to care, cares. Many people actually texted me, telling me to be strong and encouraging me and I was really shocked. LITERALLY.SHOCKED. So yeah, you are never alone. And if you need someone to talk to, I can be your listening ear :). Like really, I don't mind listening or for you to spam my phone. HEHE, SUMPA! :D
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Okay so this is it, congratulations if you have actually read my very wordy blog post. So this is my story, thanks for reading and live your life well! :D Lots of people actually care about you really, don't ever overlook that.
P.s, always embrace the mistakes that you've done. Don't ever blame anyone else for the things that happened because what ever happens is based on your decisions. Your.Own.Decisions. Who else can be blamed if you don't lead your life well? Who else can be blamed if one day you end up jobless because you refuse to study. (This is just an example la okay). NO ONE ELSE can be blamed except yourself because you are the one who writes your own story. So whatever happened in your life, embrace it. Have no regrets. You have a choice to make your life better, its YOUR CHOICE whether you want it to make your life as colourful as possible or not. And don't ever change yourself for anyone else, really. Even if your surrounding forces you to be a person you are not, don't ever surrender to that. Be yourself, people will love you for who you are and not the mask you wear because you can't wear that mask forever. You'll be super depressed if you conceal who you are. So yeah, be brave and strong!
A song to end my post with,
This song is so relate-able.
Peace.